19 June 2009

an update of sorts

this post is probably more for my benefit than anything else. a cathartic exercise. i hope.

the bob graham round-it's not for me this year. i've had a lot of distractions but in all honesty i didn't have the staying power. by mid-april i knew that there were not enough miles in the bank and the route wasn't properly etched on my brain. running has lost is joy and i think the added pressure of this challenge hasn't helped. i had lost sight about why i wanted to do it and the idea of the round become all encompassing but in a crippling way that sucked the motivation out of me. postponed....

luckily those who'd offered to support have been very understanding. simon is hoping for a paddy buckley next year and wants to start training in the autumn. so no excuses about not having a training buddy for long cold winter runs. i'll still be up in the lakes next weekend though. however, it'll be running just the finial leg into keswick, as part of iain's attempt. i'm really looking forward to this. new friends and new adventures. this is what i want from my running.

my career-or lack of. having spent the best part of 5 years convincing myself that i don't want a career. that i'm happy doing poorly paid jobs with little satisfaction. that as long as i have time to do the things i love (but seem to have fallen out with recently) then i'm contented. finally i've realised that this really isn't the case. interviews, numerous applications and a lot of thinking have resulted in a new game plan. i hope to go back to school and undertake nurse training. in the mean time i've managed to get a new job. it's back at the hospital but i'm not quiet bottom of the ladder. so, another reason to be positive. the glass may well be half full...

nan-it's been a week since her funeral but i still can't think too long before my throat grows thick and my eyes start to well. it was so sudden and quick. our last words a snatched conversation on a mobile. making plans for visiting.

the day was a perfect tribute to my nan. the service traditional but not pompous. a simple affair with theme tune of sinatra and afternoon tea. it was lovely to see how many people had been touched by her. she had more friends than me. it seems she spoiled everyone, not just her family.

born in the east end of london nan had many stories about 'the war'. much of which made her sound like dot cotton. she moved to south wales 11 years ago. not many people would have the courage to start a new life at the age of 75 and even less would be so successful at it. unusually the older nan got the more open minded she became. more than anything i'll miss our long rambling chats about anything and everything.

i take great comfort in the fact she had her independence until the end. her mind was so active but her body just couldn't keep up.

hopefully now some of this is on 'paper' it can stop looping around my brain. it's not time to forget but time to move on. i need to start being a bit less reflective and get on with life. normal service to resume...

13 comments:

trio said...

back to school how exciting! So have you started applying?

Going back to the hospital mean shifts again?

ultra collie said...

you know what kate you sound 'philosophically positive' and thats a good way to be.
think you should celebrate by baking a special cake!

Runningbear said...

Dear Kate, what a busy time you've been having in that head of yours :)

This is such a lovely and moving post. It sounds like your coming to grips with so many things; its very inspiring to read about your thoughts and such a pleasure to read about your nan.

Here's to you finding a clearer way ahead. Go for it! X

Groover said...

I'm sorry about your grandma and I can feel from your words how much you are hurting. It's beautifully written and I hope that it helped you dealing with your grief. Your nan will continue to live on in your memories. Thinking of you!

Martin Rye said...

I am glad to see you are finding a way forward and have a clear plan. Moving forward is hard when we have lost those we love from our lives. But moving on we have to do. Good luck with the plans.

Red Bike said...

Congratulations on the new job Tea-Kate. I hope you're not too busy with training for this that and the other. I will never get to join you for a ride!

Iain said...

A moving post Kate. I'm looking forward to meeting up with you. Looking at the forecast we might have a nice run back in on saturday.

see you soon

Pedalling Polarcherry said...

I like your positive attitude Kate. It's much easier to wallow in despair but you've said a big f&k off to that and are making proactive steps to make everything cool.

much respect and big cyber hugs to you.
Having never met you, I think you sounds incrediably level headed and fun person to be around.

kate said...

again thank you all so much for your thoughtful and supportive comments.

without wanting to sound too 'wanky' i do find the writing of this and the fact that people have taken the time to comment really helpful and touching. thank you

Anthony said...

Your Gran sounded a very cool Gran!

Good to hear you talking about how good her life was and the joy you got from talking to her.

Look forward to meeting up this weekend! Gonna be fun!

kate said...

thanks anthony. it's going to be a great weekend, i can feel it in my toes ;)

Chaz n Clara said...

Following your blog lightens our dull days at work. We think you are great! Have you thought of physiotherapy as a career?? We are both nurses (as well as cyclists and runners)and though it is ok sometimes it has its drawbacks!

kate said...

hi chaz n clara glad i make you smile and it's not just jane that finds me a constant source of amusement ;)
i have thought of the physio. route but in the long term i'd like to get work on expeditions/treks. so i hope nursing might be more 'flexible/varied'.

thanks for taking time to comment :)